Expanding Watch Bracelets
HOW TO ADJUST THEM AND WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER DO IT!
Step 1: Preperation
Before you start it is best to find a clean working area. Ensure it is well lit as the job involves lots of little pieces that can be easily lost; a small dish is very useful for keeping these bits and pieces together and safe.
You will definitely need some needle-nosed pliers and a craft knife but it is also useful to have a flexible lamp and magnet to hand as the 'horseshoe' pins are steel and can easily be lost.
Step 2: Disassembly
Place the bracelet top-side up, horizontally flat, in front of you in your clean workspace. While gently spreading the band apart, use a craft knife to carefully pry out and flatten the bottom wings against the table.
Turn the band over and carefully pry out and flatten down the top wings of the underside (those adjacent to the link) against the table. With your needle-nose pliers, carefully pull out connecting 'horseshoe' pins between adjacent links on the top side and the underside.
Step 3: Patience
Gaze in wonder as the 'horseshoe' clip pings our of your pliers and gracefully arcs through the air, briefly catching the sun before it tumbles away into oblivion.
Carefully pull out the 'horseshoe' clip from the other side of the bracelet and marvel at how this one seems to be welded in place. Gently increase your applied pressure until the whole top link casing dislodges and slices your thumb open.
Step 4: First Aid
Head to the kitchen using the thumb and forefinger of your working hand as a makeshift tourniquet to stem the bleeding. There should be some plasters in the kitchen drawer; there certainly used to be, only now it seems to be filled with loose drinking straws, empty paracetamol packets and lockless keys.
Run your thumb under the tap and slowly count to ten. You can do this. It's a simple mechanism; levers pushing levers. Take a deep breath and head back to your clean workspace.
Step 5: Rage
Take the needle-nose pliers and carefully place them in the waste paper basket. Head out to the shed and grab your 6" G-clamp, your good flat screw driver and your pall/peen hammer.
Flatten the watch bracelet on a table edge and fix it with the G-clamp. Make sure to give it an angry extra turn past biting point to ensure the bracelet is now buckled and useless. Take your good driver and stab it into any visable seam you can find on the bracelet. Pick up the ball/peen hammer and give the dirver handle a series of furious belts.
Step 6: Blame
Who, in 2018, has an expanding watch bracelet anyway? Also, why is it that every rubbish, annoying little job is your responsiblity? Would it really hurt somebody else to have a go at these things? I mean, it's not rocket science?
Come to realise this is your wife's fault. She should have been here helping you instead of "just popping" to her mothers for 4 hours to discuss what a failure you are as both a husband and son-in-law
...and watch bracelet technician.
Step 7: Defeat
As the smoke clears over the battlefield, survey the scene of utter devastation. Sit on the floor and wonder how you're going to repair the damage to the tabletop edge that has been squeezed to half of it's depth and currently has a screw driver sticking all the way through it.
Slowly come to the realisation that this perhaps wasn't a task suited to your particular brand of short-fuse and ham-fistedness. You're good at some things (probably) but adjusting an expanding watch bracelet isn't one of them. Take this as an opportunity to grow; the bracelet has bettered you, so next time you will choose your adversary more carefully.
Step 8: Acceptance
As you knock the underside of the screw driver handle with your hammer in an effort to reverse it's path through your dinning room table, take this time to reflect upon the choices you could have made with the benefit of hindsight.
"Arthur Read Jeweller is just in the precinct, they've been in business for over 60 years!" you think. "I bet they could have done this..."